I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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