At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
