you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
