I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
