i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
