there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
