I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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