I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
