so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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