someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
