Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
