She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
