Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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