So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
