When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
