my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
