You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
