I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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