drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
