If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
