i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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