john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Randomize
