Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
