I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did I show you my penis last night?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
whose parrot is this?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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