well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
