The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
