Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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