i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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