listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
