Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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