Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
