I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Fuck appropriateness.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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