i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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