I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
