I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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