just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
