I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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