but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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