i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
