Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
