how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
