i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
