does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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