Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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