The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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