1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
