The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
