My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
