I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
