How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
