i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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