there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
