We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
